So, after a summer living with nuns I’m no closer to knowing my vocation. I really wanted to know by now. I’m halfway through college. I’m sure plenty of girls before me knew by now and either dropped out to join a convent or were dating the man who would become their husband. And here I am…lost.
Only, I’m not. As my perfect dream of knowing my vocation started to tumble around my ears I realized that I know my vocation–at least, I know my vocation for right now. Today, right now, I am called to be a friend, sister, daughter, and student. I’m called to be a Catholic, a child of God, and I’m called to work on that relationship day after day. Yeah, I don’t know what I’ll be doing 5 years from now. But that’s ok. (And no, that’s not easy to accept.) God knows what I’ll be doing in 5 years. So, that means I have no reason to fear, really, as long as I’m following Him.
That following is a huge part of what I need to work on right now. We can always be doing better. And no matter where I am called greater virtue and a better prayer life can only help. I don’t want to waste these single years. These years will form the person I will be when I do meet my future husband or join that convent. And I want to be prepared.
More than preparing me these years give me opportunity. At no other point in life will I have so much time on my hands. Yeah, I work, I’m a full time student, and have a social life. But really, when I’m a teacher, a mom, or a sister, I’m going to have less free time. Right now, I can get involved in clubs, do service projects, spend lots of time in prayer, and work on being a better person. I can do things that I won’t have as much time for later. I can also help others and evangelize my peers who may be searching or uncertain.
The point is I’ll never get years like these again. And I should use them for all their worth. To become a better person, to help others, and to do the things I won’t be able to do as easily later on. For example, once I’m married or have a job or enter a convent I won’t be able to spend my summer out of state working on an hourly wage at a nursing home (at least not as easily). I won’t be spending so much time at my parents’ house with my siblings. I may not even live in the same state as them. I need to savor this time.
God’s been teaching me about trust these last few months. And for me, there’s few things that rank higher on the trusting scale than trusting that He’s got a plan when I don’t know what that plan is. I want to know! Although, yeah, I’m definitely scared of what He might ask. Right now, it’s like there’s a fog in front of me that tries to trick me. Am I supposed to go this way or that way? But, in reality, that fork in the road is years away. And while maybe I want to know which path I should take I don’t need to know.
So, I guess, I’m left trusting Him. He’s come through before. I’m the one who needs to work on following when I don’t know where I’m being led. I need to focus on where I am and what I’m called to be right now. I need to see the little choices in front of me. Those matter too. There’s a saying: “whatever you are, be a good one”. Right now, I’m a daughter, sister, friend, student, and Catholic. So I should be a great daughter, a loving sister, a loyal friend, a hard-working student, and a devout Catholic.
This summer I heard a homily on how the law of God is not meant to be constraining, it’s freeing. So if I’m freaking out over my vocation, I’m probably doing something wrong. Maybe it’s just not time for me to know yet. In the end, I just need to trust that by following God, I will be led to the right path.